Weird Mark and his Australian Conquests

James Smith is otherwise known as Mark, Weird Mark, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, Smith Balls or Smithy...

I shall refer to him as James throughout this post.

James Smith

James is a member of my team here at Marcus Evans, and a fellow UWIC Graduate. James is English, however speaks with a shit Welsh accent. His tan is as existent as a Jew's foreskin, he plays rugby but can't catch, and is 25 years of age. Hobbies include the gym, reading and facebook. He has slept with 18 girls in his life.

Women don't often play a fundamental part in his life - but when they do... cor blimey! One of James' earlier conquests in Australia was a Mexican girl, 18 years old, 5ft 11 with glasses. Scott Pargeter (the mentor) rated her a steady 3/10... Previous to the her, there was a 17 year old Aussie babe who was out on her High School Prom. James described her as a beauty - but from King Parge has told me she wasn't. I found out she had a lisp, braces and what some may call - greasy hair. All of that however was complimented by a shape even James would be proud of. 4/10.

Smith Balls

Unfortunately for James, he hasn't had the best of luck. Not only does he refuse a free beer, a free lap dance, a free fucking wank in a massage parlour... He also refuses to speak to women on nights out unless he is forced to. Instead, James prefers to stay at home and plays Chess on the computer. I must sound like a bit of a dick writing this, but James needs some exposure. He is a really really nice bloke, extremely friendly, just sometimes he has the social skills of a Ferret - and we need to revive him - and create a new breed of chopping machine!

An accomplice of James', and someone else who is mentored by King Parge, is Long Limbed Elvis (John Morris). This human being is equally as disturbing as James when it comes to his female exploits. Not only does he chop his Brothers Babysitter, he also prospects the Girl Next Door, and has a fetish for sloppy 2's. That said, he is a great dancer, and has a tally of 76!

Last weekend, James attended a 21st Birthday Party near Manly, North Sydney. This house was exceptional, something even I wouldn't be able to afford. If you don't know James very well, you will not know that he has a fetish/love for Asians.

An account by King Parge: "On this fine Saturday evening James was being his usual quiet self, avoiding any social contact with the female forms and keeping his hands securely in his tight jean pockets... James then discovered the free bar available at the mansion where he decided to drown some of his current sorrows and make the most of being a 25 year old at a 21st birthday party... (pervert). He was working his way through a few beverages when he noticed a lovely young Asian girl floating around the crowd. He got fucking nervous, saw off 4 shots, then lunged his way over to her. Friendly James started a conversation about how neither of them knew anyone at the party and then got some drinks together. James was left to prospect this Asian female on his own whilst we went inside the amazing house to get some more drinks. Next thing we know... Marky Mark is in his boxers in the pool asking the Asian girl to watch how good his butterfly stroke was, and started thrashing around the pool splashing all of the party goers as they looked on in disbelief. He looked like a retarded albino mermaid and definitely didn't impress his prospect.

Unfortunately for the party goers, this sort of behavior carried on for around 2 hours... On the dancefloor James continued to Lunge, Skip and Sidestep at this girl. We decided the next best move was to leave the party and not tell James so he was forced to close the deal. After an hour at home we all believed it had been accomplished until there was a loud bang on the front door around 3am... Looking through the peeking hole to see James on his own in the corridor."

Yet another dry evening for James.

Weird Mark in action with the Asian chick at the 21st Birthday Party

It's been a while... I know!

I must apologise.

That's Rae - She works with me...

My blogging fingers have been rather inactive over the past couple of months. I'll put the blame onto a couple of promotions and an increased workload.

That said, I have still been having a lot of fun. My apartment is now fully furnished, and with several parties down, the carpets are wearing thin... One thing the apartment isn't furnished with is a bloody air conditioning unit, and at the moment - nothing to repel the bloody mosquitoes! Since drinking a lot of pineapple juice, I have become more of a target by these bloody sucking insects. Bastards!

A lot has happened over the past couple of months. I went back to the UK to visit the Grandparents for 4 days, I've been up to the Gold Coast for my Chief Marketing Officer Summit which was extremely successful, had a BBQ on my balcony the last 6 Sundays, beached as much as possible whilst developing a tidy tan, had 2 VIP guests visit me in Sydney (mum and dad) and also bought 20 tickets to see Bon Iver at the Opera House. Life is fucking exciting....

It actually seems as if a lot of people from the UK are moving to the sunny side of the world, here in Australia. Countless amounts of people are getting in touch asking me how it is in Sydney, what the money is like, is it hot in the summer, are there sharks in the sea, are the girls hot, is it easy to get a job, can you help me get a job, can I stay on your floor for a few days etc etc etc... The answer to all of those questions has been yes - however the latter is going to change to be a NO as my apartment isn't a bloody hostel!

To be honest, my form on this blog has been shit. Updates haven't been happening as much as I'd have wanted. I will endeavour to pull my finger out my asshole and keep this up to date. There is plenty to be writing about - not gonna lie! In the meantime, I am planning my trip to LA, San Diego and London. Any tips on what to do in San Diego would be kindly appreciated. IM GOING TO BE ON TOUR!

Big up Ya Nan!

wouldn't mind an elegant lounge like this....